


Not Okay

by emma_anna_elisabeth



Category: Wallander - All Media Types, Young Wallander (TV-series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Rewrite because Kurt is NOT okay, Season 1 Episode 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26493577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emma_anna_elisabeth/pseuds/emma_anna_elisabeth
Summary: Suddenly, Kurt feels a hand on his cheek, tenderly wiping off his tears. New tears that he didn’t even notice when they escaped his eyes. Without opening them, he leans his face against her hand.Just for a moment, he tells himself.
Relationships: Kurt Wallander/Mona
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	Not Okay

Mona leans against the kitchen table as she hangs up and slams the phone down on the table top. She sighs and pulls one hand through her dark hair. A veil of anger hides her face; cheeks slightly red, teeth gritted hard, eyes glittering with annoyance. 

Then, she looks up at Kurt and her face immediately changes. She frowns and looks at the young detective in front of her with worried eyes. 

“Kurt, what happened?” she says, starting to walk towards him. “Why didn’t you answer any of my calls?”

“I came here to say that I’m sorry”, Kurt replies quickly. Mona shifts, looking a bit confused. Kurt can feel the shame rising on his cheeks, hoping that she can’t see it. A sigh escapes him and he looks up, eyes darkened by guilt.

“I convinced you to trust me”, he continues. “And I let you down.” He blinks, swallows. “I made promises I couldn’t keep…”  
“Kurt”, Mona tries, takes a few steps closer.  
“I’m devastated about Yara. I’m-I… Mona, I’m sorry…” 

There’s a beat of silence between them. Kurt feels Mona’s gaze upon him, and it makes him hold his breath. It’s all said now, it’s done. She should hate him for what he’s done, he utterly failed her. Whatever her next words are, he deserves them. He tries to prepare himself for what she’s about to say and the curses that’s gonna flow from her mouth.  
Mona walks up to him and lifts her hand, Kurt looks down, waiting for the slap. But she simply lets her hand rest on the wall and sighs. Confused, he looks at her, a frown on his face. 

“I was just calling to see if you were okay”, she says calmly and looks at him.  
Kurt blinks and shifts, opens his mouth and closes it again. He’d been expecting a lot of answers, but neither of them had been even the slightest bit similar to this. Her words echo in his head.  
“If I’m okay?” he asks, wondering if he heard her right. Her response is a slight nod. 

“Yeah.” Kurt looks away, his voice sounds weaker than he expected it to be, almost pathetic. And the answer is a lie. But what else can he tell her? He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be okay after this, so it doesn’t matter. He wouldn’t dream of causing her to feel worse than she already did. His problems were his own and his burdens were his, and his only, to bear.

Kurt’s gaze flickers between Mona and the floor, back and forth. Everything suddenly feels so surreal. The past few days rush through his mind and he can’t help but tear up.  
Pain. His life consists of pain now, and pain only. Pain and blood and death. 

“Are you?” Mona’s calm voice manages to break through his mind. Kurt stares at her for a moment before he attempts to answer.  
“Yeah, yeah”, he says. His eyes flicker again and a tear rolls down along his cheek. Embarrassed, he quickly wipes it off, pretends it’s nothing. “No, yeah.”  
He chuckles, trying to seem strong, trying to be the detective that he’s supposed to be. 

“Yeah, I’m okay”, he continues, lifting his gaze to lock eyes with Mona. She looks at him; deep brown eyes, calm and concerned. Kurt isn’t stupid, he knows that she isn’t falling for his weak attempts to make everything seem fine. Fuck it, not even he is. He keeps telling himself that it’s okay and that it’s gonna be alright, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. 

The young detective nods, only a little too much, and forces a smile. “I’m okay now”, he says, but as soon as he closes his mouth, the smile disappears and his gaze drops. 

Mona continues to look at him. Nodding slightly, she swallows and tries to blink away her own tears. “Okay”, she whispers, her heart aches for the man in front of her. The man that was so strong and confident the first time she saw him. She doesn’t know if she should be terrified or amazed by the change; the Kurt in front of her now isn’t who he was when she first met him. Now, he’s broken.  
And suddenly, she feels it like she is too. 

They both stay silent for a couple of seconds, leaning on the presence of the other, trying to gather all strength they can get, just for a moment. Kurt is the first one to speak. 

“I should get going, all right?” He looks up at Mona, secretly hoping that she’ll beg him to stay.  
“Right.” It's the only word that comes to her, the only thing she can say. Her heart cries when she sees the small glimpse of hope die in Kurt’s eyes.  
“Yep”, he says and turns around, walks to the door. 

He puts his hand on the handle and is just about to open the door when Mona’s voice makes him pause. “Kurt”, she says. He sighs and turns around slowly, feeling torn. One part of him wants to run and never come back to this place, both in mind and reality. Another part of him wants to turn around, give in and tell Mona everything.  
Please, let me go, he thinks at the same time as he prays to a God he doesn’t believe in, that she’ll ask him to stay. 

“Are you sure?” Mona says, taking a few uncertain steps towards him. She looks deeply into his eyes, and Kurt feels the tears threatening behind his eyelids again. Her cheeks are wet, she’s crying. 

“Don’t cry”, Kurt whispers, trying to ignore her question. “Not for me.”  
Mona chuckles and wipes the tears away with the back of her hand. “How can I not?”  
The question leaves Kurt speechless.  
“You shouldn’t have had to go through this”, she whispers. “You saw a kid die, almost died yourself, saw someone get shot in front of you…” She lifts her hand to her face, covers her mouth with it for a moment before pulling it through her hair. 

The memories make Kurt close his eyes. He takes an unsteady breath and tries to get rid of the pictures rushing through his mind. Hugo, bound to the fence. The sound of the grenade going off. The feeling of blood - and God knows what - on his neck. The sudden unbearable pain in his side. The realisation that he might die. Zemar pointing a gun at him, Zemar getting shot. Blood and pain, blood and pain, blood and pain… 

Suddenly, Kurt feels a hand on his cheek, tenderly wiping off his tears. New tears that he didn’t even notice when they escaped his eyes. Without opening them, he leans his face against her hand. Just for a moment, he tells himself.  
“It’s gonna be fine”, Mona says and corrects a golden lock that has fallen into his forehead. Kurt listens to her soft voice and lets out a sob. He shakes his head and opens his eyes to look at her. 

“Listen to me, Kurt. You’re gonna get through this.” Kurt looks weakly at her, he doesn’t believe her. “No”, he whispers, wracked with grief and guilt. “I’m not.”  
“Kurt…”  
“No. I-I’m not okay”, he sobs and closes his eyes again. More tears spill out of his eyes, ugly sobs start heaving themselves out of his chest. 

“Hey, come here.” Mona takes Kurt into her arms, holds him tight and shushes him. “It’s okay not to be okay”, she says quietly, as she gently rubs his back.  
“I can’t…” Kurt begins, but trails off when a new sob tears through his body. He leans against her, hugs her back, hides his face in her shoulder.

“It’s my fault”, Kurt says, voice broken. The sobs have turned into quiet sniffles and they are both just standing there, comforting each other. 

Kurt’s words send shivers up along Mona’s spine when she hears it - how could he even think that? Of course it wasn’t. How could it possibly be...  
“No”, she whispers and meanders herself from his embrace to be able to look at him.“Listen here, Kurt.” Red rimmed blue eyes slowly shift to look into brown ones. 

“You did your best. And…”  
“I wasn’t good enough”, Kurt says.  
“Yes, Kurt! Yes, you are. You’re human, you’ve done more than enough already.” Mona puts her hand on Kurt’s cheek again, looking straight into his eyes, into his soul.  
“It wasn’t your fault”, she says.

“I should’ve known they’d put a grenade in his mouth”, he continues. He backs away from Mona and turns around, puts his hands on the wall in front of him and leans against it, letting his head hang between his shoulders.  
“You couldn’t have known that”, Mona replies.

“But I should have!” Kurt snaps, slams his fist into the wall. His hands rush through his hair as he turns around. The golden locks turn into a mess, but Kurt doesn’t seem to care even the slightest.  
“I’m a fucking cop - I should’ve known.” His chest rises and lows fast. A pained frown stains his otherwise so calm face. Blue eyes close for a moment and open again.  
“At least when Zemar pulled the pin out”, he says and looks away. 

Mona stands in the same place; she hasn’t moved an inch. She stands so still that Kurt for a second worries that she’s stopped breathing. Her voice startles him when she finally speaks.  
“And what would you have done then? It was already too late at that point.”

“I-I don’t...” He lifts his hands in front of himself as if they could help him explain, but then he drops them and lets them hang freely at his sides.  
“I should’ve taken it out”, he says quietly. 

Mona huffs. “Taken out what? The grenade?” She pauses and her eyes narrow. “Do you know how long it takes for a grenade to go off? You…”  
“Between two to six seconds.” 

Silence embraces them, and they stare at each other. 

“Two to six seconds?” Mona exclaims. “Are you out of your mind, Kurt?”  
“What? I…”  
“You’d never be able to take it out and throw it away in that short time! What the fuck, Kurt? How did you even…” Mona suddenly silences. She looks at him with wide eyes as the realisation dawns on her.  
“You…” she starts, letting out a sigh. “You wouldn’t have, would you? Thrown it away?”

Kurt doesn’t say anything. He just looks back at her, his face mirroring a mixture of guilt and embarrassment. 

“You can’t be serious”, Mona chuckles.  
But it doesn’t surprise her. She can easily imagine Kurt quickly taking the grenade out of the boy’s mouth, taking a couple of fast steps back and throwing himself on the ground. Hiding the grenade with his body, stopping the explosion from hurting anyone. Taking the impact himself. Her mind spirals.

“What difference would that have made, huh?”  
Suddenly, the same anger as Kurt saw on her face earlier, shows up. In her eyes there’s a raging spark, and she lifts her hand to point at his chest. Kurt still doesn’t say anything. 

“You’d be dead if you did that.” Her words reach him, cold and harsh.  
“But…” he begins.  
“No, ‘buts’! There’d still be a body. Only difference would be that it’d be yours.” Mona spits the words out and Kurt doesn’t think he’s ever seen her this upset. He doesn’t know how to respond; should he be mad or listen to her?  
Isn’t it his choice to make, what he makes of his life?

“What if that’d be better?” he says, voice defensive. “At least, Hugo would be alive now.”

Frowned, he looks at Mona, eyes searching her. Where did that anger come from? What did he say? What did he do wrong? There’s a question mark written on his face, she should be able to see it. 

“Better?” Mona laughs hollowly. “Well, it’d still be a swede.” She grins and holds up her hands, shows him two thumbs up. “That’s just great!”  
The grin is replaced by a sneer and she gasps, just like if she remembered something that she’d forgotten.  
“And oh, even better - it’d be a pig!”

Kurt stops in his tracks. Huffs. His mouth opens, but he doesn’t seem to find the words. He shakes his head as he stares at her in disbelief, looking both hurt and offended at the same time.  
“Pig? That’s what you call me?” he asks, his voice barely a whisper. Mona doesn’t answer, she just looks away. Kurt chuckles and pulls his right hand through his hair. His gaze moves to the ceiling and he bites his lip. 

“You were the last person I thought would call me that. I never…” He pauses for a moment, his face and posture suddenly shifting; his eyes darken and his back straightens. Mona takes a step back.  
“Do you have any idea of what I’d do for you, the people you help, hell, for anyone?” Kurt’s voice is loud, the neighbours can easily hear him. The tendons in his throat are visible, and his shoulders tense. Anger starts rushing through his body, filling his every fiber.  
Mona shakes her head slightly, looking bitterly at him. 

“If I had the chance to go back in time, I wouldn’t hesitate”, he says. “No, not even a second would I hesitate to take the grenade from Hugo’s mouth, or the bullet for Zemar! You can’t…” He gestures with his hands. 

“You reckless fool!” Mona exclaims. She looks like she’s about to burst into flames. “Don’t you care about your own life? The people around you? You can’t just ‘die’ for everyone - you die once. It’s final, you know!”

“Hey, this is what I do, it’s what I’ve committed myself to. I don’t matter, what matters is what I do - my work! If I save ONE life, then it’s all worth it!”

“Worth it? Is it worth dying for? Is it worth it to hurt the people around you? You committed yourself to die?!”

“Like you would care!” Kurt hisses, fury pulses though his veins. “You don’t get to decide what I do with my life, and you certainly can’t fucking judge me. It is MY life and MY choices!” 

The blood in his veins feels like it’s boiling, and he breathes deeply with his lips pressed tightly together. It takes him a moment to realise, but when he does, all anger inside of him disappears in an instant.  
Mona is crying, silent tears are slowly making their way down along her face. 

“Mona, I didn’t mean…” 

“That’s what scares me, Kurt”, she whispers. Her voice is tiny, barely hearable. 

“What do you mean?”

“What about your life?”

“Mona, you gotta explain.”

“I just don’t want you to fucking die!” She lets out a sob and gasps for air, pulling her hands through her hair in despair. Kurt stares at her, eyes wide and eyebrows risen, mouth slightly open. “It seems like you don’t care whether you live or die”, she says. “And you seem to think that no one else cares, either.”

Mona breathes in and gathers all courage she can find. New tears spill out of her eyes as she opens her mouth. “But the problem is that I do. I do, Kurt. I can’t…” Her voice breaks. “I don’t want you to die.”

Kurt is speechless. He has no idea of what to say. “Mona, I…”

“I’m sorry I raged out at you - I didn’t mean call you a pig. I’m so sorry.” She dries off her tears and smiles sadly. Kurt looks at her with a facial expression she can’t read. Suddenly, there’s something different about him, something in his eyes. 

Then, as if on cue, they both take a slow step forward, towards each other. They’re standing so close that Mona can feel Kurt’s hot breath on her cheek. She lifts her hand a bit hesitant and places it carefully on his chest. His chest rides and falls under her fingers and she feels the warmth from his body slowly transferring to her hand. If she holds her fingers completely still, she can feel his heart pounding. 

Kurt lifts his hand to her face, tucks in a few strands of hair behind her ear. He cups his hand around her cheek, lets his thumb touch her soft lips gently. She swallows, looks Kurt in the eyes. They’re so blue, blue like the ocean. And she feels like she’s drowning; being pulled down, closer and closer to the bottom. Closer to him. 

Blue had always been a colour that fascinated her. 

Mona lifts her other hand to Kurt’s face. Again, she corrects a couple of locks that fell into his forehead. Her fingers caress his face slowly; make their way down over his eyebrows, cheekbones, nose and finally, his lips. 

He feels her light fingers on his face, moving so slow and gently. Her touch is light as a feather, but even so, still enough to weaken him completely. Mona looks deeply into his eyes as she moves her hands to the back of his neck, stroking his chest and shoulder on their way there. He looks at her, stricken by her beauty. Enchanted.

Kurt smiles softly, it’s a genuine smile this time, and takes her face with both his hands. For a second, their eyes meet. Blue eyes ask a question, brown ones answer. It’s an agreement. It’s a sacred moment. It’s a “yes”. 

So, without waiting any longer, he leans forward and kisses her.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked my rewrite. 
> 
> Don't be afraid to share your thoughts! All constructive criticism is welcome!


End file.
